the holidays....

So I just celebrated Thanksgiving last night with some friends. It was really nice. Thanks to Maria we had hot from the toaster oven turkey, stuffing, salad, bread, homemade mashed potatoes, gravy, I made brocolli casserole. Oishi desu! It was great. But it brought a little sadness upon me. I would say that I still am not homesick. But I think that when I have a hard time it is because I still haven't found my niche yet. I have made a lot of friends. I am very grateful of that. And my friends are great people...and I think a lot of it is in my head, but it is so easy to get lonely. I tend to get lonely even when surrounded by people. Crazy huh. If I really think about it, the same thing would happen in Saint Louis. It is the emotion that I came here to teach myself to manage. As far as I see it right now though, I don't think it is one that is managable. The holidays will be wierd this year. Not getting to spend them with family. I have done this before, well Thanksgiving at least. My real thanksgiving day dinner was a plate of french fries with Karmen at the public bath- that is what I did for myself on Thanksgiving- went to the public bath. It was nice. Christmas will be different. I bet I won't even feel like I had the holiday, seeing that I will be running around Vietnam with some friends. I will definitely feel New Years- in an aftermath hayday resting on the beach going what happened last night. I believe that is in the cards. But just the fact that it is already the holidays- I can't help but realize that this unescapable lonliness is something selfcreated. I did jump on the plane and come here didn't I. I am going to start my new years resolution early. It is going to be to shake this- I am not really lonely, but it is so easy to feel overwhelmed with this emotion. I get my energy from others and when I am constantly choosing to spend time alone it is more draining on me. I entertain myself and I have great relationships worldwide. I just need to nurture those relationships in a way that I can recognize to myself that is not just me in them, that the friend is actually a person who in return cares for me. Well I am off to dinner with Karmen then meeting up with the lot of English teachers from the area for a night out in Naoetsu instead of our typical night out in Takada. So the season is upon us, Happy Holidays. Wish I could spend time with each and every person that has touched my life..because I love you all.